Broken Twice (Part 1)

Chapter 1: The Beginning

“Don’t you dare leave this house!” my dad yelled at me.

The angry tears poured down my face as I turned around and screamed to his face, “Dad, just shut up and leave me alone!” I slammed the door in his face and made a beeline for my car.

“Christina! GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THIS HOUSE!!!” dad yelled at me as I got in my car and turned the ignition. I heard the door slam and something being broken inside the house. Shortly followed by my dad cursing about how there was another mess to be cleaned up.

Soon after I was speeding down the road. Away from the drunken and angry father I had. I was so sick of this crap day after day. I don’t understand what’s wrong with him. I’d had enough of trying to please him to just have him blow up at me for something else I’d done “wrong”.

Apparently, I had failed to get the house to the immaculate state that my dad liked it to be before he got home. Problem was, the house had been clean when I left this morning and dad had gotten home before I did. Dad had made the mess. Dad could clean it up for once. I was sick of being his maidservant. Mom was too, but she was just too scared to stand up to him. I resented, no, that’s not the word. I hated my father for being such an arrogant jerk.

After driving for a few miles I pulled over in a vacant lot a few miles outside town. Just to try and calm down a bit, before I went back home to another onslaught of arguments, screaming, yelling and back-talking. I got out, leaned against the hood of my car, and looked up.

I inhaled the cool night air. As I gazed up at the stars, I forgot why I was here, but quite frankly, I didn’t care. I had to get my mind off of all the stressful things that had been going on at home. I knew it wouldn’t last.

As soon as I would go back home, this drive would have been a complete waste of my time, because I would come crashing back down to reality. My mom would still be gone at work; my dad would still be mad and drunk, and my “outside the home” complications would still exist.

I was so sick of life being this way. I was sick of feeling empty, like there was no purpose to life. I was getting tired of waking up every morning and having to find one good reason to survive the day. It was the same, day in day out. Life was a redundant circle, nothing new, nothing to look forward to. No adventure, just the same misery day in and day out. People call me a pessimist, or an emo, or just plain depressed for thinking this way. Well, sorry, this is reality. For me, I think in order for other people to be happy they just blind themselves to whatever painful truth they face.

I had tons of homework, and I didn’t really want to fail any classes; that was one of the things I had to look forward to was a successful future. So I jumped off of the trunk of my car, and grabbed my backpack out of the back seat. The sun had gone down, so I used a little key-chain flashlight to see what I was doing.

About an hour had passed before my phone rang. It was my mom.

“Where are you?” worry clear in her voice. My mom had a tendency to worry about me if I was not home when she came from home from work. Mom’s a worrier like that, sometimes more than others; it gets on my nerves.

“I’m out stargazing,” which was technically true.

“Oh, well, can you come home please?” she asked.

I sighed. “Why?”

“Do you have any remote idea about how late it is?” she complained.

“Yeah, it’s nine thirty” I replied. My curfew was at eleven.

That stopped her. “But it’s a school night and you have homework!” she chided me.

“Not anymore. I got it all done out here.” I told her. “I’ll be home by eleven, ‘kay?”

“Alright” She said in a reluctant tone and the line went dead.

So I had an hour and a half. I really didn’t want to waste any time. I hated being home. So rather than take the road back to my miserable home life, I got in my car, turned the ignition, and floored it. It would take about half an hour to get where I wanted to go if I obeyed the speed limit. Besides, I never get caught. Speeding I could make it there in half the time.

The clear fields began to fade into thick trees. Then I turned onto the all too familiar gravel road. As I came upon the house I sent up a silent prayer that everyone was asleep… well, except for one person…

Luck was on my side that night.

All the lights in their house were turned off; all except for the lights in his room.

I had done this routine so many times before; I could probably do it with my eyes closed now. I turned off the car, but before that I blinked my taillights three times. Then I climbed up the columns of the mid-civil war style house. Silently I scampered across the roof and to his window, he had it wide open, waiting for me.

“Hey you” I said.

He smiled at me, “ Hi Christy.” A warm shiver went down my spine; I loved it when he said my name.

“So, ready to get outta here?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes, “More than ready.”

Now, I know you’re wondering who this mystery boy is. Well, he’s my best friend… and my secret crush of seven years. His name is Caleb James.

           He and I always snuck out mainly due to the fact that his parents had a devout hatred for me, and this is the only time when we can really hang out.
           We don’t do anything bad when we’re out; we just do what normal friends do. Go to a coffee shop, go for walks, and talk. He was the perfect guy, because he actually listens when you have something to say, and he would try to comfort me and give me advice. Really, he’s like, the best guy you could imagine.
           Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is something more… But I know better, he just sees me as a friend. And that’s it.
           Like tonight, we went for a walk around the lake. The path was moonlit, the water was glistening. You could hear the near silent whispers of the wind. You could feel the cold night air on your skin… the perfect romantic setting.

“I asked about having you over on Friday, so we can catch up and mom said ‘No, It wouldn’t be smart if you and I got close’ ” he snorted. “I hate how controlling she can be.” Caleb complained.

“So, what has been going on with you. We haven’t spoken in a while.” I said.

He shrugged. “I guess I’ve been busy.” He responded.

“Busy doing… what exactly?” I pried. I wanted to know why he hadn’t been around the past few nights. It bothered me that he never explained why he couldn’t come to see me. That he always seemed to cancel our plans last minute.

“I’ve had soccer practice.” I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was hiding something, and that was not a good enough reason to be a no-show like that.

“And?”

We stopped walking then. He looked me in the face. Looking in my eyes, I guessed, searching for my emotions. I secretly wondered what he saw there.

“Umm…” he began, “Christy, look. There’s this most amazing girl at school, Lisa Domney and I really, really like her, and I think she likes me too. She and I have been hanging out for about three weeks now…” he trailed off as the look on my face soured.

“What?” I asked. I could hear the hurt in my own voice.

He realized his mistake too late. “Oh, Christy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”

“So. You. Abandon me?” I choked.

“No! You’re still my absolute best friend!” he exclaimed.

So he obviously didn’t get it, I thought of him as more than a friend and someone else had stolen the place that I was supposed to have... that hurt.

I was silent for a few minutes. Trying to figure out how to word what I needed to say.

“Caleb…I…” My breath caught in my throat. I had no words for the pain he’d just inflicted on me. I turned and walked away… back to my car. I got in and locked the doors. He was yanking on the handle.

“Christy! Let me in!” he cried as I turned the ignition.

I had to swallow a couple times before my throat cleared out enough for me to speak. even then it had felt as though someone was pinching my throat. “I already did, and obviously you just tore me apart with out realizing it.” I muttered. I had fallen for the one who would be my downfall, and it freaking sucked.

“Christy will you at least talk to me?” Caleb asked.

“I have to go home now,” I said looking at the clock.

“How am I supposed to get home?” he asked.

“You’re house is a mile away, you can walk.” And with that I left.

As I sped away, I watched his outline fade into the darkness. I wiped the tears from my eyes. Someone could have driven a 2x4 into my chest for how much that hurt. I decided to turn on the radio, to see if there was any comforting music on. The song Cold was playing. I decided to listen to it. For some reason there was some sick part of me that enjoyed this pain. “Stay in love with my sorrow” as Amy Lee would put it.

Eventually I had to pull over. I was beginning to feel sick. I practically jumped out of the car and just barely made it to the ditch in time to throw up. I have no idea why, but whenever I feel sad, angry, scared, or just plain miserable, I throw up. I just sat in that ditch for I don’t know how long with my eyes closed. Trying to make sense of what had just happened. And then I threw up again.

I sat there, not only trying to get the nausea to pass, but also, trying to clear my head enough so that I could drive... Not an easy task for me. No matter how hard I would try my mind would always race.

My mind raced over how this could have been avoided. What I could have possibly done wrong to deserve this. How I could try and fix it to make it all better. I sat there, in the cold, waiting for answers that might never come. I took a few deep breaths to try and calm down. It sort of worked.

Eventually I got cold, and I got back into my car. I changed the radio station to my personalized Pandora station. I like to listen to movie scores, so that’s what’s mainly on my station. Bella Reborn was playing... I loved this song. It somehow made me feel stronger... of course any good music makes me feel stronger.

I finally started driving again. The song began to reach it’s climax, the part that always makes me cry because it’s so moving and beautiful. Then it was over. Kind of like all my relationships. They just turn to something beautiful, then it’s over. By far too fast. Oh well. I guess it’s something that I should just get used to. People are really unreliable... But a person is the one thing that sets things in motion for what’s right.  Perhaps I was just looking in all the wrong places. I needed to figure out what exactly I did want in that “one person”.

My new objective: find that person.