I watched Caleb drive away. I’d had a good time tonight, despite myself. He never kissed me; he’d just held me in his arms, which was good because I don’t think I could handle anything else right now, to add to the confusing mess of emotions that were already storming inside my heart.
The instant I stepped in the door dad was on my case. “Where have you been!?” he yelled at me.
“I was with Caleb” I responded. I held my head high and I stood to my full height. I would not be bullied around.
Dad’s face turned puce. “I don’t like that Caleb character, I don’t want you around him anymore.”
“Yeah, dad, you can want something but not get it.” my tone was defiant.
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that young lady.” he snarled. This whole time mom had been cowering in the background. Apparently he’d already given her a talking to about something she’d done wrong.
“Whatever dad. Whatever.” and before he could backhand me, I ran up to my room and locked the door.
I wanted to talk to someone, but I realized that no one would understand; no one would care and the people that would have cared, would reject me for what I was going through. So I kept it all inside. I kept it a secret. The conflicting thoughts in my head were my own personal battle… and they consumed me. It took all my energy out of me. All I could think about was Caleb. Caleb and I sat at lunch together every day. My friends gave up on seeing if I would be available for the weekend. I was always with Caleb. My friends eventually quit trying to even talk to me. It was always “Caleb this, or Caleb that” and they all got sick of it. At the time though, I didn’t care. I thought I was content with having only Caleb.
I was lying to myself though. Two months went by like this. I eventually realized that Caleb alone wasn’t good enough for me. He was changing me. And not in a way I particularly liked. I felt a need for the physical part in the relationship. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Caleb had made me change to be like that and I had no control over it. I had still not ever kissed him. Mainly because I wasn’t entirely sure this was what I wanted. But I knew that my desire for something more grew the longer I was with him.
One day about mid-December, just before Christmas break Caleb wasn’t there. He’d left early to go and visit some relatives. I had tried to talk to my friends but they just ignored me and treated me like I wasn’t even there. At lunch I tried to sit with them, but they just got up and moved.
“Geez Christina, can’t you take a hint?” Sarah, my former best friend, called over her shoulder.
I sunk down, realizing what I’d done. I suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore. I sat alone. My tears welling up. I really didn’t want to cry, I was wearing mascara. I buried my head in my hands. Rapidly blinking back tears, then I got up, dumped my un-eaten lunch, and hurried out of the room. I made it half way back to my locker before I was all-out bawling.
“What have I done? What have I done?” I moaned over and over again. I slumped against the wall. No one heard me or saw me. They were all still eating, or in the gym having fun on their break. I just felt miserable for myself.
“Hey, are you okay?” someone asked. I looked up and saw some guy I’d never seen before. His appearance wasn’t the best in the world, but he was decent. Tall, thin, sandy blond hair. Kind green eyes looked into mine. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
I wiped away the tears. “Nothing, nothing” I said. Really I was thinking,I don’t even know you, why would you care?
“I heard what those girls said to you, and I just wanted to know if you were okay.” He said almost as if he read my mind.
“Well, I’m fine, thanks.” I lied.
“Didn’t sound like it.” he said.
I was beginning to get irritated “Why do you care?”
He thought for a moment before he answered. “Because it looks like no one else does.”
That struck a nerve and stunned me to silence.
“My name is Spencer” he smiled, and held out his hand. I looked at it until he put it down. “I want to help you,” he said, “but I can’t do that until you let me in. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just thought you might need a friend.”
I was still quiet, but what he was saying made a lot of sense. I looked up at him. “I deserved it, I was so rude to them. I-I-I” I started sobbing again. I knew this was uncalled for but it just overwhelmed me.
Spencer sat down next to me. “You date that Caleb guy right?” he asked.
I nodded “Yeah.”
“I won’t give you crap about dating him. I’ll only say this once, but I think that’s a bad idea, I’ll leave that up to you. So your friends left you because you left them, right?”
I nodded again.
“I won’t dig into that wound either, but I will be your friend if you want me to.”
I looked at him again. Something in those piercing green eyes made my stomach twist and turn.
I nodded. “How come I’ve never seen you before?” I couldn’t help but ask.
He smiled “My family just moved here, I don’t really know why. I went to a different school for a little while, but for some reason I felt like I was being led to come here.”
I felt like something changed. I realized this was the first guy I had ever spoken to that hadn’t pressured me to have sex with him right off the bat.
I had no idea at the time, but Spencer would change everything.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Since Caleb was gone, I spent all Christmas break with Spencer. It felt nice; he was nicer to me than my friends ever were… even before this whole Caleb fiasco.
I was even beginning to think that Spencer was better than Caleb, but I pushed those thoughts quickly aside. Caleb was my Boyfriend, not Spencer.
Spencer and I would talk about whatever was on my mind that day, but I stayed away from talking about my parents. Whenever that came up he’d tell me to treat my parents with respect and maybe they’d return the favor.
Well, I’d tried that once and dad went straight to the assumption I was pregnant. So after he’d bought a pregnancy test and made me do it, did he get off my back about that. So I gave up on the “respect returned” theory.One day Spencer came over to my house. It was about two days until Christmas. He said that he just stopped by to give me my Christmas gift… Caleb and I had been together for nearly five months, during which was my birthday that he had completely forgotten. But here was Spencer, my best friend, doing something no one had ever done for me before.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t get you a gift,” I said frowning down at the bright red package in my hands, wrapped so artistically.
He laughed “It’s okay.”
I still felt bad. I told this to him and he just rolled his eyes. “Just open the present”
I did. Inside was a book; I took it out to examine it closer. It was a Bible.
“Just in case you ever need it.” He said.
I didn’t know how to respond. “Umm, thanks, I think.”
He smiled. “I figured you needed one, just in case.”
I didn’t say anything.
We stood in awkward silence for a few minutes.
“Thanks,” I said again, hoping we could move on to another subject. “Well, I have to go.” I said. I really had no idea how to handle this.
“Okay, so, see you tomorrow. Right?” he asked.
“Maybe,” I stopped on my way back inside “I have plans. Caleb is coming back tomorrow, so if we get back early I’ll let you know.”
He smiled; he was so cute when he smiled. I shoved that thought aside. “Okay, talk to you later then.” He called over his shoulder as he walked back to his not-so-new Chevy truck. The engine snarled a protest but then he was gone. I watched him drive down the street, but as soon as he was out of sight I ran up to my room and threw the Bible into my junk drawer. I didn’t want to have anything to do with God, or Jesus or anything like that. Not now, and probably not ever.
A few hours later Caleb texted me. Hey, you. I’m almost to your house, be ready when I get there. A brief moment of excitement coursed through me, but it went away as quickly as it came. Caleb was back early. Why? Oh well, I let it pass. When he came I happily jumped into his car.
“Hey” I said, “Long time no see.”
“And no hear.” He frowned “You were supposed to call me.”
“I honestly tried, but it just went straight to voicemail” I told him.
“I missed you,” he muttered as he started twirling my hair.
I batted his hand away. “You’re back early,” I commented.
His demeanor turned sour “Yeah, so?”
“I was just wondering why.”
He thought for a moment considering. “I got sick” was all he said and that ended the conversation.
I asked where we were going and he said to a friend’s house. I was making an attempt at conversation and he shot down every attempt I tried.
“What’d you do on vacation?” I asked.
He shrugged “Hung out with some old friends.”
Drat.
“Did you have a good time?”
“Sure.”
Ugh!
“Wanna know what I did?”
He shrugged.
“I hung out with Spencer.”
That triggered a reaction, his hands tightened on the wheel. “You’re not cheating on me are you?”
The question shocked me. “No, we’re just friends.”
“Really, well, you two are getting awful close…” he let the sentence hang.
“Why are you in such a bad mood?” I asked.
He slammed on the brakes, and muttered something too low for me to hear.
“I’m sorry, what?” I didn’t hear what he’d just said.
“Nothing” he lied. As he started driving again.
But I could have sworn I heard him say, “because of what I’m about to do…”
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