Broken Twice (Part 5)

Ch 5 Life Just Isn’t Fair!
           I followed Caleb out to his car. Fear, excitement, worry, joy and anger were a great big jumbled mess inside of me.
           “Where are we going?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
           “How about the Ice Creamery?” he asked.
           Good, there would be witnesses there. So I agreed.
           It took about five minutes for us to make it to the ice cream shop. I ordered my favorite, cookie dough, and Caleb ordered his, vanilla fudge swirl. We took a spot near a window, and relatively close to the door, so that I could make a speedy escape if necessary. I picked at my ice cream for a while then I finally spoke just to end the horrible awkward silence.
           “So what did you want?” I asked.
           He passed a hand over his face. “Lisa and I broke up,” he said.
           “Sorry to hear that” was all I could say, but to be honest I was glad.
           He looked heartbroken. I stood my ground though, I wouldn’t be used in his pattern of date, use, break-up.
           I sat there, trying to think of what to say. “Why do you think she broke-up with you?” I asked.
           He shrugged his shoulders. “She just said that she was sick of how things were between her and myself. So she just left.”
           “Uh-huh,” I said. “and you’re telling me this because?”
           “Because you’re the only person that cares.”
           I felt slimy inside, like I was about to make the worst mistake of my life. I had all my warnings… but in that very moment I forgot all of them. He was human too, and had a right to be comforted. I saw the Caleb that I had known a mere three days ago. I reached out and took his hand, my first mistake.
           “I’m here for you,” I told him. My second mistake.
           “Thanks,” he said.
           Something inside me was screaming to run away, and to never come back. But I ignored it. I felt like this was wrong, but I didn’t listen to the voices in my head and the feeling in my gut. My third mistake.
           But this is what I wanted right? Yes, I wanted to be with Caleb, he may have had his flaws, but I felt like we were meant to be. That kind of thinking was my fourth mistake. Wow this list of mistakes is going to get pretty long.
           “Can we go somewhere else?” he asked.
           “Uh, sure. What’d you have in mind?” I asked him.
           “Let’s just go.” He then got up abruptly and towed me with him.
           A five-minute drive later and we were at Spring Lake. Which was considered a “romantic” hot spot for many of the people I knew. Crap.
            He turned to me. “Let’s go for a walk.”
           I got out slowly, my stomach turned in knots. “Why are we here?” I asked. He knew very well that this was the place for lovers to come. Maybe what I was told about him wasn’t true. Maybe he was romantic. Just like I’d previously thought he was.
           We walked on the path by the lake for a while, not talking. It was nice, and it felt like today hadn’t even happened. I began to believe that things were normal again. My fifth mistake.
           “You know…” he paused for effect, “You’re really the only person that can make me feel better about myself,” he said, “about the break-up I mean.”
           I was beginning to feel awkward, like he was going to take this conversation in a direction I didn’t want to go. I looked at him square in the eyes then. The look written there… desire. I felt kinda special to be wanted but at the same time I felt nervous and sick. He shouldn’t want this of me.
           He touched my face. “What?” I asked.
           “I really like you Chris… I think I love you.” He said.
           I looked at the ground “Caleb…” I removed his hand from my face, “I thought I liked you… but today, I uh, found out something about you that makes me unsure.”
           He scowled “What?”
           I hesitated. I didn’t want him to hurt my friends that told me about him… and what he’s done. “I don’t want to be used,” I said in a hushed whisper.  “If I’m gonna be with someone I want to have the future in mind, I don’t want to have a boyfriend for two weeks and break up. You know what I mean?”
           He was quiet. “I won’t abandon you, they always abandon me.”
            I considered this for a minute. And I believed him. My sixth mistake, and one of my last mistakes of that night.

           I woke up the next morning feeling stupid about last night. I had no idea why, but I had the feeling that was the first chain of events that would lead to disaster. My phone buzzed. It was Caleb.
           What do you want to do today? ;)  The text read.
           Umm, idk :P Maybe you can come to my house today and we can just hang out? I texted back.
           He didn’t take long to respond, Are your parents home?
           Yeah O.o What a weird question.
           Then maybe we should do something else…
           Okay, what’d you have in mind? :o
           It took him a minute I have an idea, and it’s a surprise ;)
           I looked at the tree outside my window. The bright orange leaves were beginning to fall, making the tree limbs easy to climb down. I considered what Caleb had just said. Yeah, okay.
           I’ll be right over! :)
           I pulled my jacket on. It was cold outside and they were predicting snow. I put on  my warm boots and gloves. Not exactly the most practical wear, but they were cute, and I didn’t think we’d be outside for very long. Finally I heard a car horn honk. I hollered down to my mom that I was going with friends, and since it’d take less time to climb down the tree rather than run down the stairs, I landed lightly on my feet. My room window was two stories up. I loved my little “fire escape”.
           I slid my body into the warm car; I didn’t realize just how cold it was outside. We were both quiet for a minute. I was trying to think of what I wanted to say.
           “So, um, are we like, together now?” I asked.
           A smile played on the edge of his lips “If that’s how you want it,” his voice was dead serious, no hint of the smile that was on his face.
           “Okay,” was all I said. Nervousness, fear, happiness and the feeling I was doing something wrong were all present in my gut at the same time, and their constant contradiction made me feel sick.
           He took my hand. “Are you okay?’ he asked.
           “Can you pull over, I think I’m gonna be sick.” I said not wanting to defile his car.
           He stopped the car. He shut the engine off, and turned his body to me. “Are you really okay?” he asked. The concern in his voice and on his face was so sincere I couldn’t help but speak my mind.
           “I don’t know why, but I just I feel like there’s something off about US, I can’t explain it, I know there’s no good reason for it but…” I trailed off, not wanting to continue. I had started to cry. “I’m not even sure this is what I want anymore.”
           He pulled me into his embrace. “It’s okay, we’ll be alright.” He repeated that over and over until I stopped crying.
           Thing was I knew exactly what was wrong, but I wanted to do what I wanted, without consequence… I knew that wouldn’t be the way it’d end up though.
           I hardly even noticed what was going on around me for the next few hours. I was too busy thinking about what could become of this. What could possibly change in me? I didn’t really want to lose my virginity, but if Caleb promised he’d stay with me… Well, I just wasn’t sure anymore.

Caleb had taken me for a walk in the park. We’d stood on the bridge over the little creek and just talked for the longest time. We talked about our parents. How my mom was always so super worried about my well being that it got on my nerves, and that she always seemed to like to dump her stresses of adulthood on my teenage shoulders. How his mom could be slightly controlling. How my dad was not really ever a dad to me, except for when I was little. He’d sympathize and hold me close telling me that one day it’d all get better. I really hoped he was right, about way more than he realized.

We talked about the possibilities of where our relationship could be headed. He told me that he loved me often. Then he’d cradle me in his arms some more. I never got cold, cause he was always holding me or hugging me or something. I felt warm and happy. Or at least I thought that’s what happiness felt like.